Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
