Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
