I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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