i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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