they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
