Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
