I can feel you judging me through the phone.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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