im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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