Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
