My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize