Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i barfeds in our rink
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
