You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
