tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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