i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize