If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
