I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
