I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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