Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
