she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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