They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
