the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
