Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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