I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
