i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
