remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize