I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
In America we eat man semen.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
