so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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