Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize