"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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