my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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