that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
