Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
