Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
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