i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
