If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
