and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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