You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
