Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
