Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
