I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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