I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize