you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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