you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
