why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
