I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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