See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
