Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
