Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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