Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just want nice things and good sex
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
