you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
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