That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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