My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
