I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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