god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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