YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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