On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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