eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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